April 1 — A. R. Gurney’s “Love Letters,” with Lauren Boebert and Kid Rock

April 3 — Vocal group Up with Goebbels

April 4-5 — 3-D Ghost-Gun Show

April 6-7 — (Musical workshop) Sing! Sing! Sing! On Your Federal Co-Workers!

April 12-13 — Crypto, Change-O: A Magical Illusion Spectacular

April 15-16 — Clarence Thomas R.V./Camper Show

April 17 — An Evening with Stephen Miller (formerly “Stephen Miller and Friends”)

April 18-19 — CPAC Celebrity Pickleball Tourney

April 21 — Big Balls: The TED Talk

April 22 — Game-Show Night! (“Alt-Fact Jeopardy!” / “Win Jill Stein’s Money” / “Kennedy Family Feud”)

April 24-25 — Joey Critters Reptile Revue

April 26-May 3 — Con Con

May 4 — Free and Fair Audience-Votes Talent-Show Night (Dancing with the Tsars)

May 5-10 — Pete Hegseth’s Five-Day Advanced Mixology Seminar (SOLD OUT)

May 11-13 — Gay-Conversion Band Camp

May 15 — (One night only!) Ted Nugent reunites with himself

May 16-17 — Lock, Bump Stock & Barrel (conservative improv group)

May 18-22 — All-Nordic adaptation of “The Wiz”

(Summer Mondays Are Fun Days at the K Center!)

1st Monday of the month — Woke, woke-related, and woke-adjacent tattoo removal

2nd Monday — Vax Populi! Exchange your clean syringe for clean urine

3rd Monday — FEMA yard sale

Last Monday — Book BBQ

June 3-7 — ICE Capades: An evening of hilarious bodycam bloopers of bungled busts and deportation hiccups

June 10 — Joe Rogan Stunt-Double/Human-Shield Contest (all entrants must be over 54 and under 5’4″)

June 11 — Joe Rogan “Bum Fights” (over $35 in prize money!)

June 13—Night of 100 Caving Journalists!

June 14 — (Flag Day) Official reopening! Two Oath Keepers (T.B.A.) with reverse drill bits take name off front of building

June 17-July 3 — “Shen Yun” (ticket tariff lifted)

July 4 — All-American Fourth of July Musical Salute to the Kremlin

July 5 — Roseanne Sings Sondheim (TENTATIVE)

July 8-11 — (Exclusive opening) Exhibit of Brass Calf made from returned Kennedy Center Honors medals

July 14-16 — “Honey, Where Are My Pants?”: The Bruce Jenner Anti-Trans Musical (TENTATiVE)

July 18-19 — “Come F.A.A. Away” (a new play) (TENTATIVE)

July 23-24 — H. R. Frackenstuff (fossil-fuel-based marionettes)

August 5-9, 12-16 — Red Man Group

August 19-24 — Sylvester Stallone, Jon Voight in “Doomsday Clock Cowboy” (a new play)

August 29-30 — Earth, Wind, Fire, Drought & Mudslides

Labor Day Weekend — Hotel workers’ trade union sponsors the musical reboot “Visa Las Vegas”

September 2 — First Annual Day After Labor Day Polio Telethon (scheduled to appear: Dr. Ronnie Jackson, heavy-metal cover band Iron Lung)

September 3 — Roundtable (King Lear, King Midas, Pol Pot, Don King)

September 4 — Forbidden Branson (warning: cabaret-ish)

September 8-10 — Three Days of the Shakespeare!

September 8 — Mel Gibson’s all-Aramaic, Shylock-free “Merchant of Venice” (TENTATIVE)

September 9-10 — Kevin Sorbo Is Othello (will add matinée)

September 12 — Gynecologists with Borders fund-raiser

September 20 — MAGA Donor Dinner (no vegetarian option)

September 24 — Jim Jordan stars in his one-man show (matinée only!) “Jacket Off . . . for Freedom!”

October 6-8 — Mark Russell via Hologram

October 15 — The Mark Twain/Greg Gutfield Prize for American Humor

November 7-8 — Starlink Presents “It’s Not What You Think: Salute to 1930s Germany”

November 22 — Roast of J.F.K. (hosted by Rob Schneider)

December 19-20 — Kanye Raps Wagner

Christmas Week — The Rapture II: Once More with Feeling (time-share symposium, site T.B.D.)

CANCELLED EVENTS

May 1 — Monster Cybertruck event (chance of rain)

October 16 — Red Hat Society

November 13 — “Zelenskyy with a Z . . . and Two Ys!” (cabaret)

Weekly Sunday 10 a.m. basement meeting of Q-Anon Anon. ♦