January: “Time to get back to work, baby!” is what you would say if you were going to do literally anything this month, which you are not. Because you know that it’s never a good idea to plunge headfirst into work after a long vacation, lest you overwhelm your system. Sort of like how scuba divers can’t surface too quickly or they’ll get the bends. Better to sit this one out and tap back in soon.

February: But not this month! February is too short for you to hit your stride. What’s ever gotten done in twenty-eight days, besides a fictional zombie apocalypse and the very real gestation period of the Honduran white bat? Everyone knows that you need a full thirty-plus days to accomplish anything. Best to put off buckling down until it’s a real month.

March 8: The first week of March could be promising, but then comes daylight savings, which wreaks havoc on livestock, children, and you, the unheralded worker bee who keeps this economy afloat. Obviously, at least a week is required to adjust your circadian rhythms, and then you’ll get back into the swing of things. Besides, you’ve always said that work is like a baby—it’ll come when it’s ready.

March 14-31: Spring break.

April 1: With Q1 in the books, you’re finally ready to start sending some honest-to-God work e-mails (can you still begin them with “Happy New Year”?). But then you realize that it’s April 1st, and you can’t risk all your hard work being misinterpreted as an April Fools’ joke. So, pencils down.

April 2-22: The three weeks leading up to Earth Day are sacred. It would be distasteful to push paper at a time like this. Because where does paper come from? Trees. You want to head into the office, but cutting emissions now is crucial, no matter how badly you’d like to take that “Killin’ It at Work” Spotify playlist for a spin.

April 23: You know what’s even more productive than “doing real work”? Nothing! But spring cleaning is a close second, or so you explain to your boss, over Slack, impressively typing with Bugles on all ten fingers. Next thing you know, you’ve ironed your curtains, alphabetized your spice rack, and reprogrammed your microwave to military time (to support the troops). With all these accomplishments, real work output must be right around the corner. You could be employee of the month! But not this month.

May 1: Sure, Memorial Day isn’t for another three and a half weeks, and the summer solstice isn’t for two months, but you’ve always just trusted your gut when it comes to the start of summer vacation. And now it’s time to use that gut to balance a beer while sitting in an inner tube on a lazy river. Summer is for taking a load off. And if the river isn’t working hard, why should you?

July 4: The Founding Fathers didn’t form this great nation just so that you could spend your days circling back and touching base. One full week off on either side of July 4th is called for, unless you hate America. Then you’ll definitely get back to it.

August: But not yet, because working in August looks desperate.

September: You’re too sad about summer being over to work. So make your Labor Day a Labor Month—you earned it. It’s what Cesar Chavez fought and died for, maybe.

October: Ah, the sounds of fall—the crinkling of leaves underfoot, the zipping of a quarter-zip, the baleful beep of a declined credit card when you try to pay for your pumpkin-spice latte and realize that you’re broke because of the previous nine months of sloth. That’s it, next month you’re rolling up your sleeves. For real this time.

November: Psych! November is for giving thanks that you didn’t fall victim to Big Effort, that shadowy corporate entity trying to trick you into going back to work. Sure, your fico score is twelve, but maybe that’s because you’re Feeling Indifferent, Carefree, and Outstanding.

December: LMAO, no. Anyway, it’s time to set your out-of-office message. But when you log in, you realize that you never turned it off! How about that? Update the year and you’re good to go, baby! ♦