Hey Zeus, is this a good time to chat?

I’ll be quick. Yes, of course you can lie down. And yeah, I’ll grab you a nectar after—double shot with caramel, I know.

I first want to say how honored I am to work as the messenger here on Mt. Olympus. The job has been a real privilege. I love going to earth and watching the humans scramble to make sense of their frivolous existence—so funny. Plus, it’s always a thrill to tell women at bars that my boss is the omnipotent god. You know how I adore talking to women. (And listening to them!)

So, with all these wonderful benefits in mind, I want to ask, respectfully—may I have a different power?

Hear me out: I am the only god who works a nine-to-five. Have you noticed that? I’m not saying that the other gods are slacking off, but I’m the only one holding down a real job. The others are just hanging out and using their powers for fun. And I don’t blame them! If I were god of the sea, or of love, I’d totally do the same thing. Everyone has a special skill, whereas mine is . . . being your messenger.

I ask because I think the other gods see me as your assistant, rather than as an equal. And you know how they can be brats! Last week, Ares made fun of me for being your “bag boy,” and, as I tried to think of a comeback, you pinged me to deliver a letter. He thought that was hilarious. I attempted to report this incident to H.R., but Ares threatened to battle them last century and now they ignore all complaints about him. Speaking of which, do not tell Ares I said this.

So, in light of all that, I wrote up some ideas to share with you.

No. 1: Since Hera is the goddess of women, I wonder if I might be the god of men. Oh, duh—you’re the god of men. Then what about boys? No, you’re right—that would be weird.

My second idea is about being the “god of smooth talk.” No offense to the other gods, but I’m probably the most fun to chat with at a party, because I’ve had practice interacting with all sorts when I run errands for you. And I don’t mean that passive-aggressively! I literally love my job so much.

My third idea is that I could be the “god of spoons.” I couldn’t think of anything else that wasn’t already taken. Plus, I use a spoon pretty much every day, and it would be nice to know that I really owned my spoon, as well as all spoons.

No? Well, is there any other domain left? Wait, did you say “thieves”? But doesn’t everyone hate thieves? No, no, it’s fine. I’ll take it. No, yeah, ha ha, this totally rules. Now I will be Hermes, god of messages . . . and thieves. Thank you.

While I have you, can I also ask about paid sick days—

Oh, sorry! I’ll get your nectar ASAP. Deliver all these messages, too? Of course. Be right back. ♦